Most religions today make me feel like Diogenes searching for sanity in a chaotic landscape strewn with the refuse of angry deities lashing out against sinners in the dark language of rapture. That's why I've decided to start a new religion based on a man born in Memphis who shook and shimmied his way to fame in mutton chop sideburns and a blue jumpsuit adorned with rhinestones.
The man's name was Elvis Presley. When people heard his music, it left them shaking like a leaf on a fuzzy tree. Some believe he's dead, but The King is still alive. He's just left the building.
Elvis is an icon, a genius, and a saint whose legacy includes a catalog of hits like ?Jailhouse Rock? and ?Hound Dog,? He introduced the world to rock 'n' roll and ministered to his fans like a living god. Since his return, Elvis has performed a number of miracles. For instance, a bright light forms around him whenever he performs onstage in old videos. And he's been seen everywhere! His likeness has appeared on Doritos chips and peanut butter and banana sandwiches. People see him on flying saucers which abduct them each week. Yes, Elvis lives. Except perhaps in Utah where he is still considered too sexual to be viewed below the waist.
As one digs deeper into Elvis lore, you begin to notice strange parallels and bizarre similarities between the King of Rock 'n' Roll and other religious leaders. For instance, Gautama Buddha died of food poisoning; America loved Elvis to death. Both Mohammed and Elvis were poor, uneducated kids who grew up to become famous. Horus, an Egyptian God, could walk on water; Elvis surfed in the movie ?Blue Hawaii.? Jesus said, "Love thy neighbor? and Elvis said, "Love me tender.?
Many have tried to impersonate Elvis since his death. Few have succeeded. That's because he was a hunk-a-hunk-a burning love. He had a charismatic personality and a generous soul. He touched millions of hearts and minds. He knew karate! The King was an encouragement to young people of his time, encouraging them to ?keep a moving, movin' on? and widened their horizons by insisting that they ?follow that dream.? Elvis was also very respectful of his mother when most teens were not.
Elvis was known to be very kind. He would give away cars to perfect strangers and was always gifting his friends. In Graceland, people still speak his name hushed tones. The King was arguably the greatest entertainer of all time, but his talent extended far beyond musical style and into the realm of ultra-human magnetism.
Of course, there were nonbelievers. Elvis was vilified by political leaders and Christians alike.
In 1956, the Reverend Carl Elgena told a Des Moines congregation that ?Elvis Presley was morally insane? and said that ?by his actions he's leading other young people to the same end.? Another Christian condemnation of Elvis took place in 1957 when Roman Catholic Bishop McVinney deplored ?youth's lionization of a pelvic contortionist,? and stated that Elvis' stage antics were ?intended to arouse the lower instincts.? A Philadelphia pastor, Reverend W. Carter Merbreier, noted that girls worshipped Elvis like a false god. The pastor attended a concert and likened the scene to ?Moses coming down from Sinai and finding the children of Israel in religious emotion before the Golden Calf.?
That didn't stop Elvis. He was cool, wonderfully gifted, and better known than Vanilla Coke. Like Jesus, he was simultaneously feminine and masculine, authentic and common, a meeting of black and white culture, and too human and generous to a fault. He had 12 Apostles: Tom (Jones), Paul (Anka), Chuck (Berry), Tina (Turner), Bo (Diddly), Neil (Sedaka), Little (Richard), Big (Bopper), Ritchie (Valens), Rick (Nelson), Chubby (Checker), and Engelbert (Humperdinck). Elvis was also plagued by Satan (Pat Boone).
Need more proof that Elvis is the risen God? Almost anything anyone says about him is true, yet almost everything you hear about him is flagrantly fictional.
What do you think, folks? Are you ready to shake, rattle, and roll to Humboldt County's Church of Elvis Presley? It's now or never. I hope to see you there. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Tim Martin resides in McKinleyville.
Source: http://www.times-standard.com/guest_opinion/ci_23702598/church-elvis-are-you-believer?source=rss
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